Careless Interpretors

I lost a kind of spiritness recently.

"What exactly do you want in life?"

I want to be the editor of Vogue US.
I want to be a foreign officer in the Singapore Ministry of Foreign Affairs.
I want to be a stage actress.
I want to be a theatre director.
I want to be a manager of a PR company.
I want to be a legal consultant.
I want to go to law school in the states.
I want to go to start work.
I want to bum around.

I do not have a freaking clue.

Gone were the days when I was fixed with the idea of being in the theatre industry. When I could talk for hours about how much it meant to me. About how important I think it is for Singapore.

Where is the passion?

I don't see myself in 5 years time. I don't see what I should/want/could be doing.

All I see is a big blank with no one and nothing in it.

Everyday I am just chugging through. Another day. Another 24 hours. Another 8 hours of sleep. Another essay. Another test. Another meeting. Another rehearsal. My long term goals includemy to do list for the day. My objective of each day seems to be get 8 hours of sleep and try to make it on time for class. I fail to do both the former and latter most of the time. But who is tracking me? Who is keeping watch? Who am I doing it for? Who is in charge?

He is no longer at the centre. And I think that's the problem.

I talk more. I smile more. I talk more. I smile more.

I write more. I laugh more. I sing more. I laugh more.

I pack more. I eat more. I drink more.

And I puke. All that I can ever puke.

Standing by the sink, hand high in red chunky puke. I can't make out edges and colours with tears burning in my eyes. Disgusted. Dirty. About 8 times later, the bile rises up and a scorching bitterness filled my throat and my lungs. It feels like my world is collapsing. I wipe my mouth, straighten my clothes, walk out and smile. Except I couldn't this time. The floor feels like a mirror, its the same sort of vertigo I feel when I walk on my own mirror image. I try to call for help but my tears catch me at the back of my throat. I reach my pillow, sink into it and burst into heaving sobs.