My experience in IH is like a really dramatic and bittersweet TV serial, that I keep watching over and over and over again to find out what's next. Last night was Valedictory dinner, and I came/crash/was invited to see my fellow batch, the ones I step foot into IH with and went crazy during oweek with, valedict. This was the batch that I should be valedicting with. But sitting at lower high, wasn't me, but them. And in my heart, I felt a sense of longing to be there. To say my aspirations, and get a goblet, and just complete my entrance into IH with an exit.
I had a crazy time. No there was no drunkenness involved (considering I only had 3 glasses of alcoholic substance), but just high on hope, aspirations, laughter, applause and memories.
Sitting there, facing high table, eating the dried out chicken, looking at photos, hearing the gossip, I still feel exactly the same way I felt about myself 2 years ago whenever I am there. Insecure. Needy. Ashamed. Painful. Hopeless. Pathetic. Fake. Afraid. Angry. Desperate. Stupid. It is hard to sit among people, some who you know are your real friends, and some who you thought were your friends. And not being able to shift the flour.
IH brought many great and beautiful people into my life. But it didn't bring the best out of me. It brought out my insecurity and my ugliness. And no matter when I am there, it will still bring that part of me out. It wasn't people that cause that. Just dynamics of any communal place which favours gossip and drama over truth and acceptance. But that could be anywhere in the world.
And I think I need to start accepting, that IH is a chapter in my life that I cannot resolve. There are so so so many things I want to say to so many people. Both good things and bad things. Both rebukes and apologies. But it is all unnecessary, but only for my own self-fulfilment. I want to unwind the clock and start again. But I think things will still turn out the same way. Life isn't perfect, and I need to stop blaming the institution and others for my own imperfection.
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5 comments:
sometimes there are unresolvable chapters in our lives.
Here's one of mine...I'd like to know what you think.
www.postaustralia.blogspot.com
I learnt today, that what makes Chekov and Ibsen such great playwrights, is that their plays end without a resolution. Because life is never resolved. We simply pick up what we can and move on. Life is a ceaselessly flowing river and we plot its course. So I'd like to share that with you, cuz the beauty's not in the end result, it's in the process =]
***hug***
That is a beautiful concept DQ..*hugs*
Patey, is what you ask me to read to post about the Montreal shooting? Not sure if that is the one..
....I have to ask which shooting you're referring to...
I meant the second one...involving my student?
there's too many of them to keep track I guess!
patey
yup the second one..oh gosh...how are you feeling now? It must be terrible. How are you coping?
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